Alone, Yet Not Alone

Hind's Feet on High Places has never been my favorite book, but I love the part when Much-Afraid finds herself in a place called Loneliness. She wanders desolate beaches alone with the moon. Ocean waves lap the shore in a drumming, eternal rhythm, echoing the solitary throbbing of Much-Afraid's heart. Yet it is here, in Loneliness, that Much-Afraid draws the closest to her beloved Shepherd.

    Sometimes, I feel an enormous emptiness, one I try to fill with friends, writing, music, books, shoping, or an odd obsession with fairies-something, anything, to close that gaping hole. It greedily sucks in everything I feed it, but never stops asking for more. Then I do what I should have done first.

    I turn to God.

    When I am at a high point in my relationship with Christ, I am bursting with joy. I think that monstrous hole is gone for good. But it is only hiding, waiting for a chance to pounce.

    My eyes sting and my heart aches. But I think I am beginning to be at peace with this hunger, this passion, this longing-even to be thankful for it. It is a constant reminder that while I am here on earth, I will never be satisfied. As Phillippians says, my citizenship is in Heaven. I love how Buildling 429's song puts it:

"All I know is I'm not home yet

This is not where I belong.

Take this world and give me Jesus,

This is not where I belong."

    Part of my soul will always be wandering Loneliness, until I am called home. Only in the presence of my Father will my searching spirit find rest.